Things Guys Don't Want You to Know About Their Penis-hahaha

1. That it bends slightly to the left. It's not a "model penis." It

won't get featured in any catalogs or glossy spreads. But maybe what

he doesn't realize is that his bend is exactly perfect for you. Maybe

you can build up his confidence by yelling, "OH, HELL YEAH, I LOVE

YOUR WEIRD-ASS DICK, BRO," every time you come. Just something to

think about. Or not.

2. Who it's met. Every penis has a history, a story to tell, if only

its pee hole had teeth and a tongue and also there were vocal cords

nestled somewhere in that vas deferens. Some penises might have a very

short story, and others might have multi-volume epics that would make

you gasp with equal parts horror and reverence. He might not want you

to know how many people he's had sex with, no matter what the number.

3. That it's a different color than the rest of his body. This is

super common (pigmentation often makes our genitals and nipples

different colors) but some guys might feel weird about it. I honestly

don't know. I don't go around asking guys what their dick's biggest

weakness is. We don't sit around drinking beers and putting our dicks

in a circle and laughing about our rainbow of dicks and high-fiving.

Actually, scratch that. That's exactly what we do all the time.

Especially at bachelor parties. That's a real fact.

4. Exactly how long it is. Whether it's small (which presents a whole

other host of issues) or it's big, if we can tell you how long it is

down to the quarter inch, that means we've measured it recently. So

that's weird.

5. That it's just not what it used to be. Maybe it used to be the

captain of the high school football team, but now it's feeling some

'ritis and can't throw the old pigskin around. You caught his dick in

the attic the other day, grunting as it tried to fit its old varsity

jacket on. The point is, depending on how old this guy is, his penis

might not be as spry as it once was.

6. Just how much pubic hair there is. It goes far back. Like, really

far. There's probably another two inches of shaft in that bush. It's

like going through the Narnia wardrobe except instead of a magical

fantasy world, it's just a ton of dick.

7. Just how many times we had to retake our photo before we sent that

snap of it. It was at least five. At least.

8. Just how recently we masturbated. It was, like, two hours ago

probably, assuming we didn't just wake up.

9. That we have been so close to coming for the last five minutes. And

we've been doing some hardcore mental gymnastics to hold off until you

orgasm.

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