My boyfriend swears he's not just in it for sex, but the topic still comes up way too often for my taste. We don't have sex all the time, but he seems rather fixated on it. It's not that I don't like him that way, but how can I redirect the conversation or get him to initiate time outside the bedroom??
Any time a guy's sexual ego is involved, it's tricky, but you shouldn't make a tricky situation even more difficult by dancing around your worry. Some might say you should send a bunch of subtle signals, hint around what's really bothering you, or distract him with sly tricks. But that's only going to make an awkward situation messier. So do something so simple it just might work: Talk to him. Tell him what's bothering you. Ask for what you want.
Tell him you love sex but you'd also like to do more with him. Tell him you love talking about sex but sometimes it's a little too much. And tell him you have a great time in the bedroom but you'd like to have good times with him outside the house too. Tell him, since you're the only one initiating PG-rated plans, it makes you feel like he doesn't value the rest of your relationship and you'd love it if he would plan some activities for you outside the bedroom.
Sex can be hard to talk about, but you shouldn't avoid the issue or approach it like it's a ticking time bomb about to explode if you cut the wrong wire. It's healthy to talk about this stuff and it's OK to disagree. Remember that every disagreement doesn't have to become a fight. And remember that every fight doesn't have to become a crisis.
One last note: If you're going to tell him you want to do things other than sex, you'd better come up with some specific alternatives. If not sex, then what do you want to do? Make some plans and be ready with an answer. Help him understand the kinds of things you'd like him to ask you to do. In fact, during your first serious chat about this, suggest something you two can do immediately so he understands what you mean right away.
I came across this guy online two years ago, and we hit it off. Very recently we met, and since we were attracted to one another, we ended up having sex, where I lost my virginity to him. He even came to my city for a weekend. We chat, Snapchat, sex chat at times too. I'm sure he really likes me but would never date me since he has made it pretty clear that life is short and he wants to die with no regrets. Now my problem here is, I'm OK being in an open relationship. But he is getting whatever he wants while I'm not. Is it wrong to go with the flow and keep indulging in these activities with him? Or shall I take a stand and put an end to this? This is the only kind of relationship I have ever been in. And the romantic part of me believes in fairy tales, looking for someone to sweep me off my feet. But the logic in me asks me to go with the flow. Because in a way, there's nothing wrong being in an open relationship. How should I look at this whole situation?
First, please remember there are different kinds of relationships — and there are even different sorts of open relationships, if that's what you want. A lot of people feel like if they agree to a non-monogamous situation, they can't demand anything else — including common courtesy, romance, or respect. But that's not true. Just because your relationship isn't exclusive doesn't mean it has to be solely physical or meaningless or non-negotiable.
You've had fun, and that's wonderful, but it's only been fun. This guy's focused on playing the field and worries that he would regret dating you seriously. You want more, and you deserve more. That's why you'll regret staying with him much longer.
Whether you're monogamous or not, you can find a guy who cares about more than sex — a guy who truly cares about you and makes you feel good. That's no fairytale fantasy.
Here's why I think you should end this relationship: You say this guy is "getting whatever he wants while I'm not." In this case, that's reason enough. What you want but aren't getting seems clear: You want someone who's crazy about you and invests some real energy in your relationship. That's not, in any way, an unrealistic expectation. It's certainly not too much to ask. There are exactly zero reasons you should settle for someone who's not wild about you.
There's no shame in moving on. Simply tell this guy you enjoyed your time together, but you've realized that you're looking for different things. You don't need to fight; you just need to end this.
As you do go forward, please try to think less about what you can make work and more about what you want. Try to worry less about what you can tolerate and more about what and who makes you feel loved. Please don't settle for someone because you fit into his plan. Keep chasing your own happiness.
Where is the best place to meet good men? I'm a couple semesters away from finally finishing my undergrad degree and work part-time. I'm not interested in college boys (I also tend to be older than them) and I'm one of the youngest people at my job (everyone else is at least 15 years older than me). I tried Tinder but most of the guys on there only want sex and I'm looking for something more substantial than that. In addition, I find that the majority of men I meet even at school and through my job are only interested in casual relationships. I don't want to keep wasting my time with crappy men. Where have all the good men gone?
I hear you — and I understand your frustration. But I hate to break it to you: There's no Good Guy Nightclub where only the nice guys want to dance with you. There's no Good Guy Saloon where only the most respectful gentlemen offer to buy you a drink. And there's no Good Guy Dating Site where only the sweetest men will ask you out. Dating is just as complicated as the rest of the world: a roiling mess of the awful, the mediocre, and the wonderful.
Besides, your idea of a "good man" is going to be different from everyone else's. So my advice is this: Don't just think about where to find a good man. Think about what kind of man would be good for you. And follow your own interests, because they'll probably lead you to him.
If your spirituality is important, go to your church, temple, or vegan drum gathering, and keep an eye out for men who see the world in the same way. If you're into sports or cooking or chess or charity, join a group and see who else shows up. If you like the music scene, hit the clubs. If you're passionate about politics, volunteer for a campaign.
And don't give up on online dating. It's just too popular now to rule out entirely. Think of it like this: If you want a cocktail, you should go to a bar. If you want a car, you should go to an auto dealership. And if you want a date, the most efficient place is to find a date now is an online dating site. Besides, many guys have become so accustomed to straightforward online dating that they've forgotten how to pick up signals IRL.
These days, it's less about deciding whether to date online than it is figuring out how to use these apps and sites wisely for yourself. (Since you're bound to meet some awful dudes and some good guys wherever you go, part of online dating is learning to move on from the totally random bad dates before you waste too much time.) Tinder is, by definition, the most superficial app, since it's all about photos. So maybe you should try a site like Bumble or Hinge (which will introduce you to friends of friends) or a relatively old-school site like Match or OkCupid or eHarmony, where you can use the substance of your profile (and not just your profile photo) to draw in a match who's interested in more than your looks. I wish there were an easy answer, but remember the old line:Anything in life worth having is worth working for. A good guy is worth waiting for too.
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