4 Things to Say to Someone Sharing Their Sexual Assault Story

In recent years, campus sexual assault has taken center stage in the media.

Unfortunately, survivors being placed in the spotlight often means their pleas to be heard are dismissed, disrespected and disgraced. For each outpouring of support and understanding, there is an equal amount of shaming and even vilifying survivors. And it has to stop.

It’s not just survivors of campus sexual assault, but those who were subject to any kind of sexual violence are at risk of receiving a similar backlash.

Each person who has shared their sexual assault experience probably remembers hearing something hurtful in response. Even if they chose not to share, the harmful attitudes people spout off still affect people—it may even be part of the reason they don’t share in the first place.

It is time to change that. Survivors’ bravery to tell someone about what happened should result in feelings like relief, acceptance and safety.

Whether you are aware or not, you know someone who has experienced sexual violence. If they choose to disclose their experiences with you, you have a duty to be supportive and understanding. Here is what we need to say to survivors who share their stories with us:

I believe you.

One of the biggest uphill battles survivors face is getting other people to believe their experiences. If someone seeks a compassionate confidant or a police officer willing to help them press charges, they need someone who believes them. Whether due to stigmatized beliefs about women or the misguided expectations for how a victim “should” act (or a combination of both) too often people choose not to believe. The fact that 9 out of 10 victims are female means that male victims face a special breed of refusal to accept their assaults.

While Law & Order: Special Victims Unit may portray an entertaining story, the truth is there isn’t a Detective Benson in every precinct who can convince each survivor to press charges, testify and expose themselves to the rigors of court. Nor should there be! The fact that the person hasn’t gone to the police should not affect someone’s willingness to accept their story. No matter what, it is the person’s choice what they do next.

By telling someone you believe them, you are making that uphill battle just the slightest bit more easy to navigate. Having a crew of people—or even just one—who validates your experiences, can carry someone through the toughest of times. This is the place to start. Tell them you believe their story.

It is not your fault.

Vice President Joe Biden delivered a speech last week to the first-ever United States of Women Summit, in which he explained, “Sex without consent is rape. It is, full stop, rape.” This breakdown shows where people muddy the waters with consent, when the reality is actually crystal clear. If there is no consent, a violation has occurred. The victim has absolutely no responsibility in the actions of the person who did the violating. Period.

Because there is a ludicrous, abstract set of standards for what describes the “perfect victim,” these absolute facts can become lost on people. There is a part of me that hopes this is partially because, deep down, we do not want to believe such atrocious acts can happen in the world. But, we all know that dangerous attitudes about women, sexuality, men and the very concept of consent, strongly dictate where people place blame.

Survivors must be surrounded by the message that what happened is truly, absolutely and unequivocally not their fault. Even without the outside world hurling blame at survivors, the human mind can still stir up misguided guilt while it processes what happened. Let the person who is sharing know that you recognize the responsibility for their assault lies solely with the person who committed it.

You are not alone.

According to RAINN, an American is sexually assaulted every two minutes. When we take emotion and individuality out of the equation, the numbers spell out just how pervasive these experiences are. The simple math tells us that survivors are very much not alone. Because of this fact, however, there are organizations, support hotlines, counseling, support groups, online safe spaces and other forms of support that are widespread and active in providing care to people who have been victimized.

Being a good friend is a way of building the person’s support network and reminding them that they are also not alone in the sense of having caring people around them. If you feel they would benefit from knowing about other opportunities for help, share these opportunities with them, too.

You still have, and will always have, worth.

Self-worth comes under attack after enduring sexual violence. Internal and external factors affect someone’s perception of themselves and it is vital to remind survivors that they still have, and will always have, value.

Worth comes in a variety of shapes and sizes, from how we value ourselves in relation to other people, to ourselves, to society, to the planet and beyond. All of these can be left feeling less than intact after trauma. Validating the notion that a survivor’s self-worth hasn’t changed after their ordeal is essential. Let them know that even if they don’t feel as if their worth is significant, you do, and that will never change.

This list is by far not exhaustive. Please share what you believe to be other essential messages survivors should hear from their allies—and be sure to share with them directly if they come to you with their account.