7 hot reasons why women are attracted to bad guys *winks*

If you take your time to examine the trend in the society, you would notice that women are always attracted to guys who are bad. 

This is a bit unsettling because the women see the signs that show that the men they are crushing on are bad, yet they still go ahead and give their hearts to them. Many people in the society keep wondering why women are attracted to these guys.
At this point, we should stress what ‘bad’ stands for. The guys that are considered bad in the society are not the violent ones, they are the guys that are selfish when it comes to emotions. They do not care about women and are known to be men who flirt a lot. They are highly social members of the society who have one or two vices.
Some of them drink, smoke, womanize and are reckless when it comes to emotion. However, it is intriguing that women feel drawn to these men because they are impulsive. Hanging out with these men excite the women as they always have bouts of fun when they are with them.
Women in the society know that they are most likely to have their hearts broken when they date these bad guys but they still go ahead and do it all the same.
Find below some of the major reasons why women are attracted to bad guys:

1. The bad guys are hard chasers

Women enjoy the attention they get from most of these bad guys who know how to pester women till they reach a point of surrender. Even though women front when it comes to this, they secretly enjoy the attention and affection the bad guys shower on them.

2. Bad guys are daring

Women love men who exude a certain level of confidence. They seem attracted to these bad guys because they strike them as cocky men who know what they want in life.
Women are ready to put up with their excesses no matter what. They are always ready to tune in and adapt to the men’s lifestyle if that would make them stay with them.

3. The ladies give their hearts to them unknowingly

Sometimes, women give their hearts to the wrong guys unknowingly. They would have gone neck deep into the relationship before they realize how bad the guys are.
They subject themselves to the things the guys put them through because they feel they are stuck. Apart from the fact that the guys could be potential time wasters, every minute spent with them counts in terms of fun.

4. Bad guys are impulsive

The most of the women who go after the bad guys do so because they yearn for something different. The good guys are presumed to be boring and not witty; they have their lives moving in one direction.
The bad guys are impulsive; women enjoy the fact that they are with guys that are not predictable. They are guys who have fun to the fullest and do not mind spending a fortune just to do so.
They know the happening places in town; their lives could be described with everything except with the word boring.

5. Bad guys are not sentimental

Some ladies deliberately go for the bad guys when they know they want to play. Not only men want to have no serious relationships.
Some women also want to be in relationships in which they can breathe and not feel trapped. In this case, they go for the bad guys who are usually detached when it comes to emotional issues.
This is more like a contract for both parties, they have fun when it is fun time and move on without the pain and aches accustomed to breakups.

6. Bad guys are passionate

Whether you accept it or not, bad guys are passionate. They know the right places to touch when it is time to get intimate with the women.
They are men who would make the women moan and scream out in ecstasy. They respect women even though they are daring.
They would only move on when they notice the women are clingy. Most of the ladies in the society want men who can take them to cloud nine and fulfill all their sexual fantasies.

7. Bad guys make the women feel appreciated

They are guys who have sugar coated tongues. They know the right words to say to the women that would make them melt in their own skin.
Women feel good when they are around these men. Most times, the bad guys also have good and strong bodies that would make the women crush on them no matter what. The good guys are considered to be weaklings.

Relationship TalkLove is a decision

What is love then, is it an undertaking you purposively and constantly commit yourself to, or is it just a tidal wave of feelings that sweeps you away?

Love songs and poems abound with the stories of lovers who cause butterflies to flutter in each other’s tummies. Such stories portray fated characters who lived miserable lives because they didn’t feel that great love or find the one.

Well, sometimes looking at your string of relationships, you notice that most of them have been more head than heart. That is, you thought your partner was right so you started going steady with them.

What is love then, is it an undertaking you purposively and constantly commit yourself to, or is it just a tidal wave of feelings that sweeps you away?

• First of all, love does not have to be one thing or the other; often times it is a mixture of both emotions and a dogged decision to stay with one person and tolerate all their fopperies.

• Most people will argue that love is a feeling, and that anything less than a maddening desire to be with someone is mechanical. The thing is, deciding to commit to another person regardless of their faults is easier when you feel very strongly about them. Let’s say it is the feeling of love that keeps you smiling even when you feel like whacking your partner’s head with a skillet.

READ ALSO: Actor reportedly hasn't seen daughter in 3 years

• Thanks to literature and movies, love that is grounded on feelings is more popular than love based on a decision; falling in love, according to a lot of people is more ideal as compared to deciding to love. Here’s the thing though, couple who have been together for a longer time will say that love is more of a decision than a feeling. They say that with time the feelings go away, and only a commitment to stay remains.

What the above points suggest is that love is both a feeling and a decision. Should the feeling be placed above the decision, absolutely yes for me. Love becomes a decision only after people detect a connection to another person. When love is born out of feelings of respect, desire, tenderness and sacrifice, then you can decide how far you are willing to go.

The only catch is, does one fall in love before deciding? Or does one decide to love before falling in love? Every experience is different. What’s your story, and how is it working out for you?

Marriage does not make you successful

Rethink It With BenMarriage does not make you successful

We have 18yr old 'men' in the men's fellowships and 32yr old ‘boys’ in the youth fellowships.

 

In Kano state over 10,000 women registered for the state sponsored match making program where they'll be married off to would be suitors.

And recently I heard the story of a young woman from the South South who got married via the old school method of arranged marriages.

Her family consented even though the woman in question had never met the man before, their reason being, she’s 26yrs old and running out of time. Today she's being abused not only by the man but by his siblings as well.

We live in a country where you are judged by your marital status and not your achievements.

As soon as you get to your mid twenties, your parents and 'well meaning' family members are already asking when they'll attending your marriage.

This shaming is not reserved for women alone, as no man is considered responsible unless he's married (ask Banky W).

And even the church is guilty of this shaming. We have 18yr old 'men' in the men's fellowships and 32yr old ‘boys’ in the youth fellowships.

The logic is simple, you become a man or woman the day you get married, not when you become 21.

If the Apostle Paul was alive today, he would be a perpetual member of the youth group, since he never got married.

And all his wisdom would have died with him as anytime he opens his mouth to speak, he'll be reminded of the fact that he’s unmarried and therefore not qualified to instruct.

The pressure to get married has led a lot of young people into relationships they should not be in, all because of the stigma associated with being single.

It's time for us as a people to change the way we evaluate success, and realize that marriage does not make a  person complete.

@BenBassey_

 is an RSS Feed Manager at Pulse. Ben sees art as a means of expression. Twitter: 

questions you should ask yourself before entering a new relationship

Pulse Relationship Talk5 

questions you should ask yourself before entering a new relationship

Venturing into a new relationship after a series of heartbreaks and disappointments can be very challenging.#

Relationships are sometimes bound to fail. Venturing into a new relationship after a series of heartbreaks and disappointments can be very challenging. But guess what, you need to move on.

Learn one or two lessons from the previous relationship, try to fix it, then move on.

Easier said than done right? Though moving into a new relationship right after a heartbreak might be a tough one. You need to reflect on your dating habits first.

  5 questions you should ask yourself before entering a new relationship
(It takes two Online)

Here are five questions you need to ask yourself, before going into a new relationship.

1. Are you ready for a new relationship?

Do not start a new relationship because you feel empty and you need someone to fill the space. Relationships start with you. Are you mentally and physically ready to start a new relationship?

2. What went wrong in my previous relationship?

Highlight what went wrong in your previous relationship, your role in the failure of the relationship and what you could have done better. This would give you an insight of what to do and what not to do in the next relationship.

  5 questions you should ask yourself before entering a new relationship
(Keyword Suggestion)

3. Are you over your ex?

Before you start a new relationship, you have to be sure you are way over your ex. Do not get into a new relationship because you want to get back at him. If you were in a sexual relationship, ask yourself if you are done with him sexually. Be sure you think of him less than before  

4. What are your values?

In life, you need to know your values and be able to identify your wants and your needs. What is your watchword? What are the things you can tolerate? What are the things you can not tolerate?

5. What are you looking for in your new relationship?

What are the characteristics you want in the new relationship? Are you just going into a new relationship because you need to get back at your ex? Or you need a new relationship to

Reasons to Give Someone a Second Chance

Reasons to Give Someone a Second Chance 

When you’ve been hurt, betrayed, or disappointed by someone you care about, it’s hard to imagine giving that person another chance. Yet forgiveness is a value that is fundamental to human relationships. Giving up on people because they’ve let you down, whether it’s your favorite athlete, a political figure, or your best friend, seems antithetical to that value.
Even though we’re taught to forgive and to give someone an opportunity to make up for past wrongs, not everyone is capable of doing so. In a recent study, University of Bremen psychologist Katja Hanke teamed up with Christin-Melanie Vauclar of the University of Lisbon on a massive analysis of nearly 42,000 participants from 30 countries on cross-cultural variations in the personality trait of forgiveness. Presumably, in countries that emphasize the virtue of forgiveness, people would be more likely to espouse this trait within their own personalities.
As Hanke and Vauclar point out, we tend to think of forgiveness in interpersonal terms: Someone steps on your foot and it really hurts, but to the best of your knowledge, it wasn’t an intentional act. When the person apologizes, you accept it and don’t hold a grudge or strike back. However, forgiveness also has a larger intergroup context. According to the researchers, “Forgiveness seems to be a critical element in breaking cycles of counterviolence in postconflict societies” (p. 217). In other words, perhaps forgiveness might lead to healing and reconciliation among nations.
From the level of the individual to the level of the society, forgiveness seems to make a difference in the preservation of harmony. Analyzing the data from 168 separate studies, Hanke and Vauclar examined the relative ranking of forgiveness on a list of 18 values. Forgiveness ranked eighth overall, beaten out by virtues such as honesty (#1), responsibility (#2), and loving (#3), but it outranked imaginative (#17) and obedient (#18). (The U.S. ranked #4 in citing forgiveness as a value, and Egypt was #1. Poland, Chile, India, and Israel came in at the bottom of the list.)
The authors proposed that country-level factors that influence the espousing of forgiveness as a value were related to almost Maslow-like qualities, such as feelings of stability and safety. These “postmaterialistic” qualities are aided and abetted by time away from conflict. In countries with high levels of concern about safety due to the presence of conflict (such as Israel), forgiveness may fall behind values that reflect the need for protection.
Once a culture becomes more forgiving, there are payoffs for its citizens: As shown in the analysis across studies, there is a positive relationship between the average well-being of people in a culture and the extent to which they value forgiveness. Simply put, being forgiving seems to relate to being happier. Whether happier people are more forgiving (and happier in the first place because their countries are stable) or whether forgiveness leads to happiness and stability can’t be answered by this correlational study. Whatever the causal chain, though, forgiveness and happiness seem linked.
Now we get to the reasons forgiveness—and the associated willingness to give second chances—can benefit you.
With any luck, you live in a culture that places forgiveness high on the value hierarchy. Accidentally bumping into a stranger in the street won’t lead to insults or physical assault, and everyone will feel better as a result of an apology and display of humanity. What else can second chances do for you? These 4 reasons to forgive someone should help to convince you:

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1. That factor of subjective well-being. You feel happier when you forgive someone else. The cross-national study supported what research on individuals has shown, and suggests that being magnanimous pays off in terms of your own emotional benefits.
2. People can change. Additional research on why you should give second chances focuses on the idea that personality isn’t set in stone. People can learn from their mistakes—and when you give them a second opportunity, you allow them to demonstrate this.
3. It’s practical and saves emotional energy. You gave your mechanic the job of fixing a defective valve and now it’s broken again. You could hire someone else to fix the fix, but that person will know less than the mechanic who tried the first time. Similarly, your previous romantic partner may have done things that caused you to break up, but when you start with someone new, you’re back to square one. Once your anger subsides, pushing the “reset” button on the first partner may just give you greater insight and appreciation for that relationship.
4. You’d like people to treat you the same way. Turn the tables and imagine that it’s you who needs the second chance. Wouldn’t you feel better if you were given an opportunity to try again? Whether it’s the car you’ve been hired to fix or the relationship that took a turn for the worse due to your own mistakes, it’s nice to know that someone is willing to give you a chance to redeem yourself.
5. When we have the opportunity to show forgiveness to those we interact with, we should: It can improve our outlook on ourselves and the world.
   
   Hanke, K., and Vauclair, C. (2016). Investigating the human value 'forgiveness' across 30 countries: A cross-cultural meta-analytical approach. Cross-Cultural Research: The Journal Of Comparative Social Science, 50(3), 215-230. doi:10.1177/1069397116641085
   Copyright Susan Krauss Whitbourne 2016
   
   
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7 Behaviors that Ruin a Relationship

7 Behaviors that Ruin a Relationship 

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The question of why love fades or why people grow apart in their relationships is one of life’s great mysteries. What prevents us from maintaining the passion, attraction, admiration and closeness we once felt for our partner?  What I have found in my own work and in a 30-year longitudinal study of couples and individuals is that we can contrast the patterns of behavior between couples that result in long-term romantic love with those that signify that the couple has formed a “fantasy bond.” A fantasy bond is an illusion of oneness with a relationship partner, a concept elucidated by my father Dr. Robert Firestone. When couples enter into this type of bond, they substitute a fantasy of being connected in place of real relating. They start to put form over substance, and the relationship starts to deteriorate.
The degree to which an individual in a couple enters into a fantasy bond exists on a continuum. In the beginning, people usually open up to one another and relate personally. Then, at some point, they become afraid and start to protect themselves from feeling vulnerable by shutting down and withdrawing from loving behavior. Instead, they replace real love with a fantasy of being in love, which they support by insisting on the conventional markers of a relationship. The situation can deteriorate even further until the couple no longer manifests any observable loving behavior and often expresses a lot of animosity toward each other.
The good news is if we catch on to the behaviors associated with a fantasy bond, a subject I talk more about in a free, upcoming Webinar “Real Love Vs. Fantasy: How to Keep Romantic Love Alive”, we can begin to challenge this defense and create a more satisfying relationship.  In order to truly change our relationships for the better, it’s valuable to look closely at these harmful behaviors and compare them to the more favorable ways of relating that characterize an ideal relationship. When we interrupt these patterns and actively engage in healthier ways of interacting with our partner, we’re able to feel more closeness and contentment. We can keep the spark alive in our relationships.
So, what are the behaviors to look out for?

1. Angry reactions to feedback vs. Non-defensiveness and openness

Communication is key to a close relationship. However, when we establish a fantasy bond, we tend to become increasingly closed off to real dialogue, that is, a kind and compassionate way of exchanging impressions and ideas. Instead, we tend to be defensive and have angry or intimidating overreactions to feedback that shut our partner down. Whether we punish our partner by breaking down emotionally, by giving them the silent treatment or by screaming at them, we’re telling them that we don’t want to hear what they have to say. We may provoke additional emotional distance by reacting critically, saying the things that we know will sting our partner the most.
In order to change this pattern, we can try to look for a kernel of truth in what our partner is saying rather than picking apart any flaws in the feedback. If he or she says, “I feel bad when you just watch TV all night. You seem distracted. I feel disregarded and like you aren’t interested in me,” we could consider what parts of that could resonate with us instead of wasting time on everything that doesn’t. We may feel like snapping back by saying, “Don’t be ridiculous and dramatic. I’m just tired!”  While there may be some truth to that, we may instead pause to consider, “I have been tired lately, but is more going on with me than that? Have I been distracted to the point of disregarding my relationship?” Our attuned response would then be, “I’m sorry for you to feel bad. I’ve felt distracted lately by work and tired when I come home. I feel bad to just tune out like that. I can see how that hurts you, even though I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
We can always make it our goal to hear everything. This doesn’t mean we have to agree with what someone else is saying. However, we can strive to be open and seek feedback from people we care about and trust, so that they feel comfortable to talk to us about the more difficult subjects.

2.Closed to new experiences vs. Open to trying new things

In every relationship, it’s important to maintain a sense of ourselves as a unique person. When we get involved with someone new, it should expand our world, not shrink it. When we first fall in love, we tend to be open to new things. However, when we start to engage in a fantasy bond, we tend to adopt roles and routines that limit us and close us down to new experiences. We may become more rigid and automatic in our responses. “You know I don’t like that restaurant.” “We always see a movie on Saturday night.” It actually hurts the relationship when we stop being free and open to developing new shared interests. It can foster real resentment between partners. While no one should force themselves to do things they really don’t want to do, shutting down the part of ourselves that seeks new experiences and responds to a spark in our partner can drain us of our aliveness and spontaneity.
We should always be open to exploring things that expand our world and be careful not to limit our or our partner’s experience. We can try activities each of us likes and see if they add to our arsenal of things we can do together and share in a lively way. This doesn’t mean that we have to share all of our interests or meet every one of each other’s needs. In fact, it’s essential to maintain our independence and individuality. We don’t need one person for fulfillment, but we do need some shared activities. A relationship doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Being open to new experiences keeps it alive.

3.Deception and duplicity vs. Honesty and integrity

Most of us know from experience that we can drive each other crazy when our words and actions fail to match. Unfortunately, deception and duplicity are pretty common in relationships. There are a lot of mixed messages based on saying one thing and doing another. Examples include:
Saying “I really love you,” but acting like I don’t have any time to spend with you.
Saying “I want to be close to you,” then constantly criticizing you when you’re around.
Saying “I’m not interested in other people,” but flirting with everyone else at the bar.
The actions that contradict these words do not look like love. They represent a fantasy of being close but without real relating, essentially putting form over substance. Double messages like these mess with another person’s reality, which can actually be considered a basic human rights violation, not to mention a huge threat to lasting, loving relationships.
Admittedly, honesty in a relationship can be tricky, because it doesn’t mean saying every little critical thing to our partner that pops into our head. We have to know our real intentions and what our real truth is. This means we have to know ourselves. We have to consistently ask ourselves, “Am I being honest? What’s my motivation? Do my words and actions really match?” If we say we really love someone, there should be actual actions we take toward them that, to an outside observer, would be viewed as loving. Are we affectionate to them? Do we talk to them? Do we light up when they come around? When our actions are honest, we can create genuine closeness.

4.Overstepping boundaries vs. Respect for the other’s boundaries, priorities and goals

In a fantasy bond, couples tend to overstep each other’s boundaries and form a fused identity. They start to see themselves as a WE, instead of a YOU and ME. “WE like to go there.” “WE don’t want to go that party.” “WE like that kind of food.” Many of us unintentionally lose track of where we leave off and our partner begins.  Without even noticing it, we may be intrusive or controlling toward our partner, acting in a manner that is disrespectful or demeaning to the other person’s sense of self. When this happens, it not only hurts our partner and his or her feelings for us, but it can undermine our own strength and our feelings for our partner. Many couples come to hold their partner responsible for their happiness, leading to demands and complaints and a sense of powerlessness.
In order to be a loving partner and maintain our own feelings of interest and attraction, we should have regard for what lights our partner up and matters to him or her. We should see our partner as a whole and separate person who matters to us, independent of our own needs and interests. We can both encourage each other to engage in pursuits that really express who each of us is individually. Whether it’s learning a language, climbing a mountain or writing a book, we can see each other for who we really are and support each other’s unique goals and capabilities. When we give another person this space, regard and respect, we actually draw that person closer to us, as we can both really feel for each other as the true people we are.

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5.Lack of affection and inadequate, impersonal, or routine sexuality vs. Physical affection and personal sexuality

In a fantasy bond, there can often be a lack of personal relating and, often, a lack of affection. The sexuality can start to feel inadequate, impersonal or become hardly existent. Some couples describe their sex lives as becoming mechanical or highly routinized. This takes much of the excitement out of their attraction. Obviously, there are real outside circumstances that can affect or change one’s physical relationship. However, there’s often also a lot of negative self-talk or “critical inner voices” that discourage us from pursuing our sexuality. It’s important to filter out the negative messages and stay in touch with this vital part of ourselves and our partner. Ideally, we would strive to stay in touch with our own wanting feelings and with those of our partner. There would be a give and take, with real contact being made, that sparks intimate and loving feelings between the two of us. The more free flowing and spontaneous our expressions of love can be, the less likely we are to grow apart.

6.  Misunderstanding vs. Understanding

In a fantasy bond, we tend to see our partners for who we need them to be rather than who they are. We may distort them by idealizing or putting them on a pedestal. Or, we may pick them apart, denigrating them by projecting negative qualities onto them. We may even see them as more critical, intrusive or rejecting than they are, because we grew up with people who had these qualities. When we disrespect the boundary between ourselves and our partner, we’re more likely to see them as an extension of ourselves, and we may mistreat or criticize them in ways we mistreat or criticize ourselves.
In an ideal relationship, we try to see our partner realistically, both with their strengths and their foibles, and accept them for who they are. We don’t allow ourselves to create a negative caricature, which means not focusing in on their flaws and indulging in critical thoughts. However, it also means not creating a grandiose image of them. No one can really feel loved unless they feel seen realistically. When a partner is either building us up or tearing us down, we can feel like we’re on shaky ground, not really being loved for who we are. This is why it’s so important not to distort the other person.

7.Manipulations of dominance and submission vs. Noncontrolling, nonmanipulative and nonthreatening behaviors

Because of people’s own defenses and desire to protect themselves, it can be easy for couples to play games and be indirect about their wants and needs. They may engage in manipulative maneuvers to get what they want, like trying to control a situation by crying and falling apart or blowing up and being intimidating. They may also adopt roles that hurt or limit them in their relationship. For example, couples often polarize each other, with one person becoming domineering and controlling, while the other acts passive and submissive. This may take different forms in different aspects of the relationship. One partner may be seen as the “boss” of finances; another may be the one who controls the sexuality between them. They may be drawn to assuming certain roles out of familiarity or as a way to feel secure, however this actually undermines their ability to relate as two equal individuals.
In an equal relationship, it’s important to ask directly for what we want and need from each other. This gives our partner an opportunity to respond and meet our needs. Many of us make the mistake of expecting our partner to read our minds and “know” what we want, which can only lead to disappointment. It’s important to say what we want without trying to dominate or control the situation. We usually feel vulnerable when we’re open about who we are, what we want and how we really feel. Yet, this directness is the best way to maintain an honest and authentic way of relating and get what we want in life.
By being aware of all of these behavior patterns that contribute to relationship distress, we can hold ourselves to a standard of remaining both true to who we are and sensitive to another person. We can encourage an atmosphere of love and support, while maintaining the unique, individual qualities that drew us to each other in the first place. We can avoid the traps of a fantasy bond and enjoy the raw and real adventure that is a loving relationship.

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11 Reasons Why People Cheat On Their Partners…No. 6 Is So True

Have you always wondered why some people cheat on their partners? Wonder no more, here are some of the reasons. No matter how many stories you hear about couples breaking up over infidelity or families being disrupted because of an indiscretion, people still cheat, and in alarming numbers. Time and time again, folks get caught and someone gets hurt. Yet, it happens again and again, as people seem to think, “I’m not going to get caught.” Maybe if we understood why people cheat, we can work harder at preventing it or at least understanding it when it happens. While some folks will forgive, for a lot of couples, it’s a deal breaker. Here are some reasons that people cheat.

 1: Repeat offenders often don’t see it as bad. They have convinced themselves that they are not bad people. It’s called cognitive dissonance, which is basically the ability to separate the act of infidelity and trivialize it.
 2: Ask Eric Benet and Tiger Woods about what caused their unions to break up (Benet, you remember, was married to Halle Berry). Both ended up at a special clinic as their problem was declared an addiction. People who are addicted to physical relations allow their addiction to control their lives, just as someone on drugs or with an alcohol problem.
 3: This is just common sense… they are not getting it at home. For whatever reason, if a couple isn’t practicing the dance with no pants with each other, one or both of them is going to step outside the marriage or commitment to get it.
 4: Some men want just a physical relationship. Their emotional needs are met at home, but they still want something that is a sort of release and has no strings attached, so to speak. When they say, “She doesn’t mean anything to me,” he’s telling the truth.
 5: They have a risk taker personality. If he’s gambler or someone who often is willing to take risks with life in general, he is apt to do the same with his personal life.
 6: Wow. In a study conducted by a site called AshleyMadison.com, it was revealed that people seek outside relations because of disappointment from their current situation. In fact, the site, which helps people find other people to cheat on with, said that its biggest spike is the day after Valentine’s Day, especially for women! 7: Stress. Men especially, says one study, seek outside physical relationships to relieve the stress of everyday life. Let’s face it, most mistresses or one-night stands ask for much other than a physical meeting, especially in the early stages.
 8: This one is a bit out there, and some men may actually use it as an excuse. But a couple of studies put the blame on a chemical inside a guy’s brain that makes him more susceptible to being a cheater. Just in certain men now… there’s a chemical called vasopressin, and apparently if it’s present in a man at a high rate, he is apt to have problems being faithful.
 9: Here’s one aimed at the ladies. Women who cheat may have learned it from their parents, especially their dad! I’m going to leave you all to think about that one…
 10: They think they can control it. This is for people who tend to be leaders in industry or people at the top of their game. They have a beautiful wife at home, kids, the American dream, but they risk it all for a liaison with a chick at a hotel bar. How many times have you heard this story? Think of all the athletes, celebrities and politicians that got caught with their pants down and you have wondered why they risked it all. 11: It’s a “crime” of opportunity. The setting is the wife is out of town, he’s out with the boys and here comes this vixen giving him the eye. Who’s going to tell? It’s not a perfect world and people certainly are not perfect. Even if you married the man of your dreams, there is always the chance, large or small, that there will be an indiscretion, and that could be by you as well the man! 

13 Things You Only Understand if You Have a Baby and a Dog

1. Having a dog is not the same as having a baby. Remember when your friend told you that she could totally relate to how exhausted you are from dealing with your kid and how you're over dealing with bodily fluids, because she has a dog and is in the same boat? Yeah, you can pick up dog poop with a bag and toss it. Your kid needs constant attention. Your dog sleeps 18 hours a day and isn't cranky if his nap gets interrupted because his whole life is a nap. Your dog doesn't have to come with you to the grocery store, and your dog definitely doesn't beg you to buy him ice cream and throw a tantrum if you don't.

2. Everything goes in everyone's mouths. Dog toys are in the baby's mouth. Dropped pacifiers are in the dog's mouth. Your dog kisses your kid on (and, well, in) her mouth. At first, you're horrified. You yell, "Leave it!" at the dog approximately 3,000 times a day. You sterilize the pacifiers every night and research the best ways to wash stuffed animals. Then, one day when you haven't slept in weeks and your baby giggles when the dog licks her face, you give it all up. You realize it's futile to even try. And you curse yourself for waiting so long because you've never felt as free as you do when you tell your dog to drop the ball, pick it up, and immediately hand it to your kid, who instantly stops crying. Your parents continue to be horrified by all of it though.

3. Someone has suggested that you get rid of your dog. One of your parents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, or coworkers has told you that it's not safe to have a dog around kids. Dogs are wild animals, someone has explained, and no matter how well-behaved your dog is, anything could happen and you don't want your child to be attacked. You listened to them as they said all of this. You might have even thanked them for their advice. You then ignored everything they said and taught your kid "gentle touch" with your dog. You've learned to ignore all the other garbage parenting advice that people share with you unsolicited, so no need to make an exception here.

4. It's not always cute. Your Instagram feed might be full of adorable pics of your son hugging your dog, feeding him treats, and getting a tongue bath, but what you don't show off to everyone is the meltdown your kid has every time your dog ruins one of his toys or the meltdown you have every time your kid torments your dog by pulling his tail. When your dog barks for no apparent reason and your napping baby — the baby who literally just fell asleep after 45 minutes of fighting you on it — starts to stir, you whisper-yell curse words you've never used before. When your toddler splashes the water in the dog bowl all over the floor, you don't take a selfie while you mop the kitchen for the fourth time that day.

5. You've not proud of it, but you've forgotten to feed or let your dog out at least once. You're a good pet owner. You love your dog. He's a member of the family. But you'll admit there was a time when you passed out on the couch and your dog hadn't gone out since the morning. It happens. So will an accident or two. Or you and your partner look at each other in disbelief as you realize that neither of you gave him his dinner last night. You say you just thought the other one was doing it, but the truth is you didn't think about it at all. You're not a horrible person. Besides, eventually the dog will be your kid's responsibility.

6. Your kid does not help as much as you were hoping. Oh yeah, about that. When they're little, kids get a kick out of holding the dog's leash, handing her treats, and giving her a bath. Then they turn 8 or 9, their grandparents think it's a great idea to get them their own iPads, and getting off the couch to let the dog out will be about as appealing to them as cauliflower. By that age, they figure out that things like vacuuming, putting their toys away, and, yes, taking care of the dog are chores, not games. You ran a good con for a while there, but they're on to you and they're over it. The dog is your job. Again.

7. The process of your dog and baby discovering each other is like dating. It's the weirdest courtship you've ever seen. Your dog ignores your baby. Your baby seems terrified of the dog. Your dog hates when the baby cries. Your baby accidentally pokes your dog in the eye while the dog is trying to lick her. You try to keep them apart because everyone told you not to leave the baby alone with the dog when you're not in the room. But at some point, you catch your dog watching over the baby while she's napping, or your dog starts lying on the floor outside the nursery. And then, one magical day, your dog places her favorite toy in your baby's Rock 'n Play or your kid crawls onto the dog bed, and they roll around together like the best friends they were always meant to be.

8. You're not grossed out by anything. You talk about poop a lot in your house. "When did the baby last poop?" "How many times did the baby poop at daycare?" "Has the dog gone out to poop yet?" "Could you take the dog out to poop because I'm taking care of the baby's poop, and then I'd like to poop and maybe sit in the bathroom alone for an hour and pretend that all of you don't exist?" Vomit comes up a lot too. And reaching into mouths to pull out choking hazards. And throwing out things that have been chewed on. Half the time you don't even know who ruined it; you just know that that toy/lipstick that you just bought is wet, mutilated, and potentially smeared across the floor. When your kid is asleep, your dog is making a mess. When your dog is in the backyard, your kid is getting slimy in the kitchen (How did you get yogurt in your hair?!). You're numb to all of it.

9. Family photos are impossible. You think it's hard to get a kid to sit still and look at a camera? Try adding a dog to the mix. Forget trying to have everyone looking in the same direction and just hope that your dog isn't licking himself on your Christmas card.

10. Babysitters and nannies lie about liking dogs. People who want you to pay them money say things to increase the likelihood that you will pay them said money. Later, you learn that your dog didn't go for a walk or was kept outside all night because your babysitter "discovered" she has allergies. You ask your parents to babysit often.

11. Your dog helps you clean up after (and during) meals. Leftover food that your kid didn't want to try? The dog will eat it. Food that got knocked onto the floor by a toddler or thrown across the table during a sibling food fight? The dog will eat it. High-chair tray smeared with peanut butter? Your dog used to think the random scraps you shared with him were as good as life gets. And you felt saintly for passing them along. Now your dog camps out under the high chair six times a day and is never disappointed. It's like finding a slot machine in Vegas that keeps paying out. Your dog has a hot hand (paw?) and isn't walking away until every single one of those tiny chicken pieces has been licked up off the floor.

12. You have to talk to your kid about death before you ever expected to. When your dog dies, you are devastated. Your kid is sad too, and completely confused. Plenty of people tell you that it's a "teachable moment," and that kids need to learn about death. And that's all true. But it crushes you to see your kid that sad. And you don't know how to handle their grief while processing your own. You all cry. Crying is OK. Because you had a good dog and your kid was lucky.

13. Your kid knows pure love. Parents make kids take baths and eat vegetables and go to bed while it's still sunny out. Dogs are soft and tickle you when they touch you with their wet noses and fetch balls for hours. Your kid loves your dog in a way that you thought only you could. She gets excited to see the dog whenever she walks into the house. She learns to say the dog's name, and then says it over and over again. It fills you with pride when you see your kid talking to your dog, using her new words with her furry friend. You tear up when you see her share her imaginary cupcakes with the dog, or when she scribbles something unrecognizable in crayon and then explains that it's a picture of the dog.

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So what can you do when you're angry (a.k.a. feeling hurt and vulnerable) to express your honest emotions but not be a total ass in the process? Here are five steps to try:
1. Accept Your Biology
Research has proven that humans are hardwired to emotionally bond with another. When anything threatens that connection, you experience undeniable inner turmoil. So, recognize that your reaction to feel panicked and threatened is normal. That doesn't mean it's OK to lash out just because you feel that way, but at the same time no one graduates to a completely reaction-free life. You're just not built that way...biologically speaking.
2. Take a Step Back
Perspective is a powerful antidote to emotional drama. So, become the observer and witness your own emotional process. As the drama unfolds, step off the stage of your life and take a seat in the audience. Witness the scene you're a part of in its entirety.
Feel your own moment-to-moment experience AND seek to understand the point of view of the other actor in the scene (a.k.a. your partner). Notice that you're stuck in a negative cycle that you both create together; a cycle of hurt and reaction that you pass back and forth like a game of hot potato.

3. Re-Focus on Your Goals
What you really want is connection (to be heard, seen, loved). And this need is important enough to you that when it's not met, you experience vulnerability, even if you're not conscious of it. When you witness yourself reacting, open up to the possibility that your partner's behavior is simply a catalyst for you to get in touch with your own vulnerability.
4. Own Your Bad Behavior
You're pissed off and behaving like an asshole. You thought "the problem" was your partner, but now you realize it's the pain you feel because you’re not feeling loved in the ways you long for. A sensitive spot inside you got bumped up against and you can’t continue to keep it unfelt and unseen. That's OK. That's valid.
Even worse, when you try to stop the pain and protect yourself (by protesting or withdrawing), this rubs your partner’s sensitive spots, wounding them and causing them to react. Damn. Can you see how you’re contributing to your own pain and vulnerability being triggered?
5. Turn Toward Your Partner
In this moment of hurt, you may worry your partner won't be there for you in the ways you need, and you may even feel you don't deserve their love and support when you're this vulnerable. It can feel terrifying (and trigger you to feel pissed off all over again).
But what if you could feel the full vulnerability and turn towards it when you would normally turn away? Could you share this moment of vulnerability with your partner? Also, IS it possible to be a loving and supportive presence for your partner when they turn towards you with their own vulnerability? Doing so takes so much more courage than blaming, criticizing, withdrawing, or shutting down. Likewise, take the risk, lower your defenses, and give your partner a chance to be there for you.
Don't be surprised if you find this ridonkulously difficult while it's happening.
Once you stop hiding behind a lifetime of reactive strategies, it's gonna feel uncomfortable. Just remember you're moving toward love and connection with your partner.
It took me some time, but, in my own marriage, I learned how to identify what I am really reacting to when I'm angry and acting like a jerk. And it's not a failure on my wife's part to meet my needs. No. I'm reacting to feeling alone in the world in some way. That deep-down sense of aloneness that lives inside me is too painful for me to sit in sometimes, and it was there long before I met my wife.
I came to understand that it is in those moments that I need my wife the most, that I long to be held within the embrace of our love and support for each other. How sad for me (and for both of us) that this is also when I'm most prone to act like an ass.
Speaking of your partner, please know that it takes both of you to make things better.
You can't do all of this alone. As I tell my clients, when you both recognize you're in a negative cycle that you create together (not my cycle and your cycle, but OUR cycle), and that you fight because your connection is important to each other, you can move forward to a better relationship.
Even an asshole like me can turn things around.

How to Have a Fight with Your Partner That Doesn't Cause Hurt Feelings

7 Times in a Relationship When Jealousy Is Totally Warranted

There’s almost nothing more uncomfortable than the feeling you get when your innate suspicions creep up on you—when the hair on the back of your next stands up and your skin prickles like it’s trying to tell you something. Your diagnosis? Jealousy. And, rest assured, you’re totally normal. “It’s only human to feel jealous once in awhile, and especially if you’re in a serious, committed relationship,” says Dawn Michael, Ph.D. and author of My Husband Won’t Have Sex with Me. “It’s when you feel this way constantly about a particular someone or situation that indicates a more serious, underlying issue.”

1. He Values His Mom's Opinions Over Yours
If we learned anything from Charlotte York’s tumultuous relationship with her fiancé’s mother “Bunny” on Sex and the City, it’s that a grown man should be able to think and act for himself. While it’s undeniably adorable when a dude has a close connection with his mom, it’s a bad sign if he’s turning to her for everything while turning his back to you. “The bond between the two of you is also important to the bond he has with his family and friends, so they should all be of high importance to him,” says Michael.

Instead of getting between the two (‘cause we all know how that worked out for Char), strike up a conversation with him about how it makes you feel when you’re out of the circle of trust. “Remind him that you, too, can provide him with thoughtful, constructive advice, and would like him to give you the opportunity to be there for him in that way,” says Michael.

2. He Plays Wingman Every Weekend
You’re fine with him enjoying a good time out with his buddies—just not when there’s a quest involved to pick up chicks. “It’s completely normal for you to feel jealous with the idea of knowing your guy is out in social situations trying to mingle with other girls—even just for the sake of helping his friends,” says Michael. While he's just trying to make his pal look great in front of potential hookups, it’s important to communicate to him what you feel comfortable with him doing, and not doing (e.g. "feel free to chat away, just no grinding to Usher"). “You both should have enough respect for one another to want to make sure you’re both comfortable with each other’s actions when you’re together and apart.”

"It’s completely normal for you to feel jealous with the idea of knowing he's out in social situations trying to mingle with other girls—even just for the sake of helping his friends."

3. He Used to Hook Up with One of His Friends
If learning of this closer-than-close friendship set off the sounds of a fire alarm in your head, don’t freak out—just yet. Sure, no one wants to hear that their beau once wrestled tongues with someone they still talk to and hang out with all the time, but try as best as you can to remind yourself that he’s now with you, and for a reason. “If every time you’re around the two of them you feel uncomfortable, it could mean that maybe there is more to their chemistry than they’re leading on,” says Michael. “But if the only thing that’s igniting your jealousy is the knowledge that they were once a thing, give him the benefit of the doubt.” The more you’re around the two of them, the more you can see that their relationship is truly platonic (or not).

4. He Always Seems to One-Up You
Being jealous of your partner’s accomplishments isn’t a bad thing. Like any friendship or relationship, a hint of competitiveness is useful for propelling you both forward. But if he won’t stop bragging about his new promotion and continues to mention it at every social gathering, it’s cool for you to ask him to stop. “If you’re not excelling the way he is—regardless of the scenario—he should be sensitive to your feelings and not throw anything in your face,” says Michael. “A relationship is a partnership, so anything he or you accomplish individually should feel like a win-win for you both.”

"If the only thing that’s igniting your jealousy is the knowledge that they were once a thing, give him the benefit of the doubt."

5. He's More into the Game
“This one might sound like a joke, but every fall I have at least one or two women in my office talk to me about how much time their man spends watching football instead of them,” says Michael. Before you dedicate your Monday to mastering the moonwalk as a means of distraction, consider how you can use this free time away from him to your benefit. “Find something else to do with your time while he’s glued to the big, bad TV set.” Just like you deserve the space and time to dig into your OITNB obsession, he deserves the space and time to enjoy the football season (even though it feels like it’s year-round). That said, couples who can do nothing together tend to be happier, so maybe try to get your guy to compromise on this one a little bit. 

6. You Found an Old Love Letter from His Ex
Whether this was a relationship from high school or a long-term ex from recent years, it’s natural to feel terribly uncomfortable when you’re faced with the fact that he’s loved someone before you. “Part of the natural process of learning to be intimate with someone is pushing aside any feelings we’ve had for anyone else in the past,” says Michael. “But the reality is, those feelings never disappear, they’re instead stored away in the attic of your mind along with all your other past experiences in life.”

If you came across this love note totally by accident, try not to read it (as hard as that may be). Remember that doing so will only wedge a fork in between you. Instead, remind yourself that his past is his past, just like your past is your past, and that your relationship is a new chapter. If it continues to bother you, bring it up politely with your partner, explaining that you came across the letter by accident. If he’s sensitive to your feelings, he can reassure you that you have nothing to worry about.

"Every fall I have at least one or two women in my office talk to me about how much time their man spends watching football instead of them."

7. He's Cheated in the Past
If he's got a history of being unfaithful to you, it makes sense that you'd eagle-eye his interactions with other women. Still, if you've made a commitment to forgive him and try to make things work, it's probably not the best idea to scroll through his text messages every day and stalk his ex-mistress's Instagram feed. Here's when it might make sense for the two of you to talk your fears and resentments out with a counselor. And if he's not up for it, that's a whole other issue, and could possibly mean it's time to reevaluate the relationship.

"Sex On The First Date Led To This For Me" -Recently Married Woman Reveals. PICS

 

 

This lady may not agree with those who say that women who have sex on their first date are not taken serious by men who want a long term relationship or marriage. Mrs Fagan who recently got married to her man (whom she probably had sex with on the first date) -took to her twitter handle to briefly address the issue as she threw subtle shades at those with opposing views. See below;

important self-lessons women learn when single

 

Life after a break up is usually not too splendid but it teaches both partners more about love, relationship and/or dating than they knew previously. So, what do women learn when they are single?

1. The beauty of solitude.

One of the scariest things in the world is being alone with your thoughts. Being single, especially for a long period of time, gives you room to figure out who you are and why you feel what you feel. Once you know yourself better, solitude doesn't have to be lonely. It can be relaxing.

2. You learn there's more to life than dating.

The general saying is that life is more meaningful when you have a partner to share with it. Don't get me wrong, relationships are an extremely dope and important part of life. But having a boyfriend or a husband doesn't have to be the thing that gives your life meaning. And learning that you can be happy without that is the first step to discovering all the things that do give your life some meaning.

3. You can finally figure out what you're looking for in a partner.

When you  move from one partner to another, you sometimes lose track of why you're doing it in the first place. Being single allows you figure out what type of person you really want to be with. Finding someone to date doesn't need to be high up on your radar of priorities, but figuring out what you want will make it all that much easier to spot them later on.

4. You learn the value of friendship.

People in relationships have friends, but when you're single, you have way more time to cultivate deep friendships. The beauty of friendship is that it allows you to form emotional bonds that aren't as painful and don't require as much commitment of a relationship. (Plus you can have tons of friends at once and usually you only have one boyfriend at a time.) Basically, friends are the shit, and having tons of friends when you're single is the shit

Masturbation

5. You learn how to masturbate, really well.

You have a lot of time to practice.  Also, you learn to appreciate the art of masturbation in a way you never considered as an adult. Sex is a wonderful and necessary part of life, but masturbation is a different thing entirely and can take on a different type of meaning depending on who you are sexually.

Solutions that can save your relationship

Communication

All relationship problems stem from poor communication, according to Elaine Fantle Shimberg, author of Blending Families. "You can't communicate while you're checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section," she says.

Problem-solving strategies:

• Make an actual appointment with each other, Shimberg says. If you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to bed, and let voicemail pick up your calls.
• If you can't "communicate" without raising your voices, go to a public spot like the library, park, or restaurant where you'd be embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.
• Set up some rules. Try not to interrupt until your partner is through speaking, or ban phrases such as "You always ..." or "You never ...."
• Use body language to show you're listening. Don’t doodle, look at your watch, or pick at your nails. Nod so the other person knows you're getting the message, and rephrase if you need to. For instance, say, "What I hear you saying is that you feel as though you have more chores at home, even though we're both working." If you're right, the other can confirm. If what the other person really meant was, "Hey, you're a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you," he or she can say so, but in a nicer way.
• 
  
• 
  
• SEX

• Relationship Problem: Sex

  Even partners who love each other can be a mismatch, sexually. Mary Jo Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight, says a lack of sexual self-awareness and education worsens these problems. But having sex is one of the last things you should give up, Fay says. "Sex," she says, "brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy."
  Problem-solving strategies:
• Plan, plan, plan. Fay suggests making an appointment, but not necessarily at night when everyone is tired. Maybe during the baby's Saturday afternoon nap or a "before-work quickie." Ask friends or family to take the kids every other Friday night for a sleepover. "When sex is on the calendar, it increases your anticipation," Fay says. Changing things up a bit can make sex more fun, too, she says. Why not have sex in the kitchen? Or by the fire? Or standing up in the hallway?
• Learn what truly turns you and your partner on by each of you coming up with a personal "Sexy List," suggests California psychotherapist Allison Cohen. Swap the lists and use them to create more scenarios that turn you both on.
• If your sexual relationship problems can't be resolved on your own, Fay recommends consulting a qualified sex therapist to help you both address and resolve your issues.
• MONEY
• Money problems can start even before the wedding vows are exchanged. They can stem, for example, from the expenses of courtship or from the high cost of a wedding. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling (NFCC) recommends that couples who have money woes take a deep breath and have a serious conversation about finances.
• Problem-solving strategies:
  • Be honest about your current financial situation. If things have gone south, continuing the same lifestyle is unrealistic.
  • Don't approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both of you.
  • Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a spender, understand there are benefits to both, and agree to learn from each other's tendencies.
  • Don't hide income or debt. Bring financial documents, including a recent credit report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurancepolicies, debts, and investments to the table.
  • Don't blame.
  • Construct a joint budget that includes savings.
  • Decide which person will be responsible for paying the monthly bills.
  • Allow each person to have independence by setting aside money to be spent at his or her discretion.
  • Decide upon short-term and long-term goals. It's OK to have individual goals, but you should have family goals, too.
  • Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how to appropriately plan for their financial needs if needed.

  Relationship Problem: Trust

  Trust is a key part of a relationship. Do you see certain things that cause you not to trust your partner? Or do you have unresolved issues that prevent you from trusting others?

Solution

You and your partner can develop trust in each other by following these tips, Fay says.

• Be consistent.
• Be on time.
• Do what you say you will do.
• Don't lie -- not even little white lies to your partner or to others.
• Be fair, even in an argument.
• Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but don't discount how your partner is feeling.
• Call when you say you will.
• Call to say you'll be home late.
• Carry your fair share of the workload.
• Don't overreact when things go wrong.
• Never say things you can't take back.
• Don't dig up old wounds.
• Respect your partner's boundaries.
• Don’t be jealous.
• Be a good listener.

Even though there are always going to be problems in a relationship, Sherman says you both can do things to minimize marriage problems, if not avoid them altogether.

Sex

Even partners who love each other can be a mismatch, sexually. Mary Jo Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight, says a lack of sexual self-awareness and education worsens these problems. But having sex is one of the last things you should give up, Fay says. "Sex," she says, "brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy."

Problem-solving strategies:

• Plan, plan, plan. Fay suggests making an appointment, but not necessarily at night when everyone is tired. Maybe during the baby's Saturday afternoon nap or a "before-work quickie." Ask friends or family to take the kids every other Friday night for a sleepover. "When sex is on the calendar, it increases your anticipation," Fay says. Changing things up a bit can make sex more fun, too, she says. Why not have sex in the kitchen? Or by the fire? Or standing up in the hallway?
• Learn what truly turns you and your partner on by each of you coming up with a personal "Sexy List," suggests California psychotherapist Allison Cohen. Swap the lists and use them to create more scenarios that turn you both on.
• If your sexual relationship problems can't be resolved on your own, Fay recommends consulting a qualified sex therapist to help you both address and resolve your issues.